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Dear Adwords Customer Support,

You don't know me so, first, let me introduce myself. I am an advertiser that has spent anywhere from $14,000 to $70,000 on Adwords over the past 90 days. To put it another way, I'll spend between $56,000 and $280,000 on Adwords over the next twelve months.

I adore Adwords. So much so that I pour anywhere from 50 to 90 percent of my advertising budget into the magic of keyword search. Sometimes I hire people full time to manage my campaign and make your quality score happy. Sometimes I work with consultants or agencies. The point is that you're important enough for me to INVEST in your happiness because when you perform for me, I reap the rewards. I re-allocate money from other media sources into your coffers. I test new tactics and make myself an expert on your inner workings. I do this because with a lot of care and feeding, you work out really well for me.

I am your champion, your advocate, the wind beneath your free lunches and robust health insurance package.

But lately, and I don't mean to complain, I kind of feel like you mean more to me than I mean to you. I could be paranoid, but here are a few things that have been bothering me (my therapist says it's good to list these things out even if they don't reflect the truth about how I'm actually being treated because, you know, it's real to ME):

1. You keep directing me to a generic toll-free number whenever I need to speak with you or, even worse, this massive and labyrinthine online help center.
2. When I do manage to speak with a human being, they insist on referring me back to the aforementioned help center and I don't really feel like my problem is ever heard or resolved.
3. Whenever I ask about getting a dedicated rep for my account, you sort of evade the question or tell me you'll get back to me. When you do get back to me, it's generally to tell me I can't have a dedicated rep at which point you refer me back to the aforementioned help center.
4. When I do speak to someone at your toll-free number, they don't seem to understand Adwords as well as I do. (word of advice: I suggest you take the Adwords Certification exams.) Note: this is not the case when I manage to score a dedicated rep. These are generally very helpful, knowledgeable and lovely people who in almost all cases know more than me and make my campaign better. Give. Me. More. Of. Them.
5. On the rare occasion when you do assign me a dedicated rep, it's generally temporary and somewhat anonymous. You never give out the rep's phone number or last name (unless they are part of a more robust team, in which case I feel really special until the team, inexplicably, goes away). The whole set up kind of makes me feel like you're embarrassed to be associated with me or something. I know I'm not an A-list advertiser, but I resent getting stuck at the table with your weird uncle and that guy you shared a room with in college

Here's the thing. I've known you for over ten years and I have to say that you've never quite gotten it right. I understand the power of automation. It saves time. It makes things more efficient. I get that it's easier to send me to a web page with a list of instructions, then actually speak to me on the phone (and it likely resolves some problems without the hassle of human contact). However, I also know that there are a lot of us out here in the trenches, contributing tiny slices of money to your billion dollar revenue pie. And, the thing is, $50,000 or $200,000 or $500,000 is a lot of money to ME. So...it still sort of bugs me that I have to beg for your attention.

I know, I know - half of your reps were probably in high school ten years ago but sometimes we can learn from history and since I'm apparently the only grown up in the room, I'm going tell you what customer service, TRUE customer service means to me (and ultimately, what it can mean for you). P.S., I like lists, don't you?

Good customer service means:

• Every client gets a dedicated rep, no matter HOW small. We get to know their last name and a phone number too - none of this "Brian C." bullshit with no phone number in the signature. What are you anyway, a collection agency?
• Once I do get a rep, they are expected to get on the phone and talk to me, as much as needed, until the issue is resolved.
• Since the first bullet, above, is likely not possible, providing advertisers with a comprehensive list of criteria for getting assigned a dedicated rep would be helpful. This should be something that's written down and doesn't change with every new rep I speak with (which is currently the case). Let me just state, for the record, that it is OKAY if I need to meet a certain spend threshold. Really, it's okay. This is just business, after all. Let me know what the hell the rules are to this game so I can, you know, communicate that to my boss who wants to know why I can't get an actual human being on the phone over at Google.

That's it. Really. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO PROVIDE GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE. Be responsive, give me the same person every time, let me know that the $50,000 or $200,000 or $500,000 I spend with your company every year is something you're, you know, grateful for. Because the thing is...Facebook is looking pretty sweet right now, as is LinkedIn, as is StumbledUpon as are a number of other competitors that didn't exist in this space a few years ago.

My online budget only goes so far and if I can't get somebody to help me...

• Forecast a budget for Q1
• Get me involved in an appropriate beta that will help my campaign performance
• Work with me to figure out why my quality score may be failing
• Help me build out keywords quickly, if need be, or set up an account in the most effective way possible
• Provide me with the right data, case studies and information for that C-level executive who thinks the Internet is just a trend and insists on spending our company's 4 million dollar ad budget on Pennysaver inserts.
• Immediately respond to campaign train wrecks such as declined credit cards, account suspension, hijacked ads and any number of other issues that cause acid reflux and sleeplessness, then...

I may need to take my miniscule online marketing budget and find someone who appreciates me more.

Okay, that last bit sounded hurtful and passive aggressive. I'm sorry. I just feel like we're growing apart and needed to lash out for a second. I'm in a better place now. A more hopeful place.

Yours fondly,
The 99%